I have now gained enough distance from my trip across country to recognise the enormity of the process. Two realisations came from my experience. One expected and one unexpected outcome have changed me.
I did expect to rediscover and reaffirm my self-confident, independent nature. I traveled alone in Kenya, Uganda and Tanzania the year before I met Jan. I found that courageous and risk-taking self every time I checked into a motel, ate alone at a restaurant or pulled up to a gas pump. Charlie was a great travelling companion, but he couldn't go everywhere.
The unexpected discovery is that grief is a creative process. As I visited some of the same places and people I had known with Jan, I felt I was translating memories of the two of us into memories of me alone. So I ended up with nostalgic memories of 'us' in one bank and new, fresh memories of 'me' in another bank. I saw places through a new lens that didn't include Jan.
While I love to reminisce and appreciate Jan, her gifts, and how she changed me, I also recognise that being in the present moment with all its magic leaves me changed too. My ideas for writing, especially poetry, are coming faster and more vividly since this second realisation. I will be interested to settle down in Wanaka and witness how grief has changed my writing. I am certain it has. And I know Jan is grinning nearby as I make this recent breakthrough part of my being!
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